Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
