from now on my penis is your penis
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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