hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize