I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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