I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize