She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
