lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
