The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
