Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
