I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
