I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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