My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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