I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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