I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
