Cold hands, warm shart.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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