I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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