After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize