You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
