My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize