You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
