Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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