I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
