I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
