did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
