Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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