remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
