"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
