Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
