Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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