i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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