im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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