well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
