The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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