textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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