Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize