I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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