There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
