There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
