Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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