literally had 100 drinks last night.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
