You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
All I want is dick and wine.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
