I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
