i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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