nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
