I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
