I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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