I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
