i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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