do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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