Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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