okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sorry about my life...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
