she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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