woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
