i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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