just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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