I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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