Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
