I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
