So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
