the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I am one with the molecules
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
