Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
