dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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