Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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