Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
