in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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