I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize