Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
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