apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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