I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We have so much sex to catch up on
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
